Oct. 8, 2008

9 Oct

8:15 am

1 bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch

Remember the three bakers who were the mascots for Cinnamon Toast Crunch? They used to slice up bread, sprinkle cinnamon on them, then bake it in some magic oven. Wendell, the old, fat one, is the only one still in use. Bob and Quello (WTF kind of name is Quello?) were forced out in 1992, thanks to the economic downturn from the first Bush administration. If today’s depressed economy during the end of a Bush administration wrecks havoc on Wendell’s ability to create me some Cinnamon Toast Crunch, I’ll go ballistic. What, that’s not how they really make it? You don’t say.


1 pm


1 plate with caesar salad, greek salad, tuna tarragon salad, carrot salad, broccoli salad

1 mini-plate with mac n’ cheese, spaghetti and sausage, penne alfredo with penne

1 piece of pizza bread, 1 piece of cheese bread, 1 corn muffin

1 bowl of clam chowder, 1/2 bowl of French onion soup

1 small bowl of chocolate frozen yogurt

1 cup strawberry lemonade

I can write about Souplantation like Ken Burns makes documentaries about the Civil War. In fact, you should imagine Morgan Freeman reading this to you. It’ll add a certain amount of gravitas. I used to go to Souplantation all the time in college with my friends. Kim was a vegetarian and had a wide array of choices, my roommate Clay geared his entire life to competitive bicycling and thought salad fit into his diet plans. Barry and I found it to be a very cheap and efficient way to shovel as much food down our esophagus as humanly possible. Eating 3 meals for the price of one in one sitting was very economical for a college student. I didn’t go to Souplantation for years after that until I started working at MTV. My friend Tara was a vegetarian and it was a semi-regular option when we didn’t go to the salad bar across the street called Mrs. Winston’s. Souplantation re-entered my life when I started working at E! and the one by the Beverly Center was close by and Abigail took a job right down the street from my office. She was a member of the Souplantation fan club and got coupons e-mailed to her once a month. When she took another job, I signed up for the fan club and introduced my lunch bunch buddies to the joy of never-ending salad. I then took my co-worker Chrissie to Souplantation and she signed up for the fan club. It was her coupons that paid for half this meal.

After regular trips, I got my Souplantation meal down. I only use one plate for salad so I don’t overeat, and I use a small plate for all breads and pasta. Then one bowl of soup, usually clam chowder and ice cream afterward. This time I also craved French onion but I also had to go back to the office soon. I solved this problem by combining a 1/2 a bowl of soup and ice cream into one course:


7:30 pm

1 hamburger

1 slice of birthday cake

 I play softball every Wednesday for Comcast. Our team lost 18-13 and now we’re 2-5. In three years of playing competitive softball, my team has yet to win more than 2 games in a year. Maybe it’s me? Nah, it has to be my teammates. I have four games to pull a Manny. Or at least an “Operation Shutdown” like Derek Bell. Anyway, one of the other teams in the league, the Bad News Beers, aka the self-professed “fun” team, held a pregame bbq and I snagged a burger from them. The birthday cake was for Eric’s 27th. Hope you have a wicked hangover this morning!

11:30 pm

Barney’s Beanery

2 slices of chicken quesadilla

5 glasses of Hefeweizen

I was SO close to not eating late at night after drinking. But I saw someone eating chicken quesadilla and I told the waiter, “give me exactly what he’s having.” I’ve cut out post-drink eating out of my life months ago. You see, alcohol is an appetite stimulant. Your body also burns alcohol calories first. So any other calories, especially ones from fat, don’t get processed until alcohol burns off. Hence, the fat calories go immediately to storage, ie, your belly. Obviously, I could give a shit after two pitchers of beer.

Barney’s is known well-known for four things: 1. it’s the last place Janis Joplin hung out at before her death 2. they had a “no gays” policy in West Hollywood during the late 80’s 3. it’s a fairly easy place to pick up co-eds on weekends (BTW, I haven’t done that at Barney’s in 4 years) 4. they serve unholy food creations that could only be thought of while up drunk past 3 am. Look at that plate of chicken quesadilla for example. You’d think that small bowl of red liquid is salsa. It’s in fact chili. One night while I was drunk, I poured a jar of nacho cheese into a box of Wheat Thins and ate it. It was a great idea then,and it was damn tasty too. But there’s no way I’d eat that sober. Barney’s serves shit like that. Everything on the menu is a bad idea until you drink a couple of pitchers and it’s 11:30 pm. Then putting chili and/or cheese on everything sounds like the greatest idea ever.

I should also mention that Barney’s is the designated home bar for our softball league so I’m there on most Wednesday in the fall and winter months.

Barney’s Beanery

8447 Santa Monica Blvd.

West Hollywood, CA 90069

(323) 654-2287



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