Tag Archives: junk food

April 14, 2010 – I Eat a KFC Double Down

14 Apr

7 am

McDonald’s

1 Egg McMuffin (without cheese)

1 sausage biscuit

1 small cup of coffee

5:30 pm

KFC

1 Double Down sandwich

side of fries

medium Diet Pepsi

Of course I had to try a KFC Double Down. It would’ve irresponsible of me to purportedly write a food blog and not try a sandwich made out of two deep-fried chicken breasts, two slices of pepper jack cheese, bacon and something called “Colonel’s Secret Sauce” (sounds like something from a “Kentucky Fried Movie” porn parody). It’s an actual media sensation, sort of, and damned if I’m not throwing my two cents in on this culinary abomination. I mean, look at that thing! It’s downright evil, like Heath Ledger’s Joker made out of fried chicken. The bacon’s like that devilish tongue the Joker kept flicking.

Of course the point of the Double Down isn’t to eat the damn thing. It’s to get us talking amongst ourselves. We wouldn’t have so much uproar if it was a mere chicken-and-bacon club sandwich. But if fried chicken replaced the bread? Holy shit, I HAVE to have one. There’s two reasons why something as awful as the Double Down appeals to us; people like the excitement of flirting with death and we like to look at disgusting shit. Do you know why people slow down to look at traffic accidents? It’s not to wonder if anyone’s OK. No, it’s for the oft chance that we might see brains splattered all over the pavement. Let me tell you, I have actually seen that once after a motorcycle accident that just happened in front of my high school. It was definitely NOT cool and I still feel like hurling thinking about it. But did I take my eyes away? Of course not. We like to stare death straight in the eyes. It excites us even. Some of you even get horny after near-death experiences. Eating a Double Down might not be like cliff diving over a waterfall, but both activities could theoretically kill us and we’re drawn to that possibility. I am not a death-defying bad ass for eating a Double Down, but I feel like one. I COULD die of a heart attack any minute. Watch me toy with God by eating it! This is why I can’t get enough of Man vs. Food. We like it when people stare down our limitations and cheat it. By consistently watching Adam Richman eat a 5-pound burrito is to watch a man push the limits of human existence and live. We can imagine ourselves as immortal.

As for the actual experience? Well, the first bite is pretty good. It’s like eating three chicken nuggets at once, and that’s something I will do sometimes. As you slowly work your way through the sandwich, you get a bit of cheese and bacon, and that’s not so bad either. In fact, I’m already making plans to eat it the next day. But then I get to the middle of the sandwich and this is where trouble starts. Two slices of cheese is a lot in just a grilled cheese sandwich. But it’s downright brutal between two pieces of fried chicken. It actually triggered my body’s defense mechanism against fat that I wasn’t aware of. This was also the first time in my life where I started to hate bacon. It was like shards of glass on my tongue. So. Much. Fat. Somehow, I actually whittled down the sandwich to one last bite. My body was telling me not to do it, but I stuck that last piece into my mouth and chewed laboriously. Afterward, I could not get out of a fetal position for half an hour. I had to crawl in that same position to the bathroom and lift myself onto the toilet like a paraplegic. I was victorious, but at what cost? I was like the soldiers returning from Guadacanal in HBO’s The Pacific, with an empty soulless look after my supposed victory. I experienced the Double Down. It truly was exciting. I will never speak of this moment ever again.

On a side note, I don’t know why I got a side of fries. When I ordered the Double Down, the KFC manager, was excited for me and kept raving about how good it was. “You just want the sandwich, right,” he asked. “No, I want the combo,” I replied. His smile disappeared and a worried look came over his face. It seems that there is a limit to common sense, even for KFC. I managed to eat all but two fries.

11:30 pm

Happy Endings

1 pitcher of Bud Light

3-4 nacho chips

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April 12, 2010 – Joan’s On Third and Must Wine Bar’s Junk Food

12 Apr

2 pm

Joan’s on Third

turkey meatloaf sandwich

side of raw fennel salad

1 glass of Arnold Palmer

While most people might associate Joan’s on Third as a regular setting for celebrity sightings in the pages of Us Weekly, I will always associate it with my former employers at E! Four cupcakes from Joan’s was always the de rigueur birthday treat of choice that my office mates gifted on whomever the birthday belonged to. One of the cupcakes was almost always marshmallow cloud, which is pretty tall and had to be laid sideways in a box, thereby deforming the other cupcakes. And I’d always eat two of the four cupcakes, which inevitably made me feel fat, bloated and bitchy about my weight like Kirstie Alley. Ah, memories I also worked on a different E! show where my boss bought us lunch at Joan’s on Third every Friday. I always got the cold turkey meatloaf sandwich on a baguette. I’ve never tried anything else on the menu before or since. I like the turkey meatloaf but don’t love it. I just ordered the same thing because it was easier on my production assistants, and it eventually became a routine I took comfort in. So when a friend and former coworker from E! was treating me to lunch, Joan’s  on Third felt like an appropriate meeting spot. As silly as it sounds, I can compartmentalize all my memories of my former employer into one place, which makes it easy to revisit, or avoid, when I want.

8 pm

Must Wine Bar

1/2 order of tater tots

2 mini chicken sliders

1/2 order of soy hamburger helper

1/2 ice cream birthday cake

2 pints of Lost Coast Downtown Brown beer

Tater tots. Hamburger Helper. Fried Chicken sandwiches. If Jamie Oliver saw the menu at Must Wine Bar, he’d weep. Must takes all the food that we loved and ate as kids and “upscales” it for adult sensibilities, although I don’t know how much upscaling they actually do other than add cheese to everything. The soy “hamburger helper” is just a giant bowl of melted Velveeta mixed with soy meat and as awful as it sounds. Tater tots are well, tater tots, except you get a choice of two cloyingly rich cheese sauce to dip in. They also make their own version of Chick-Fil-A sandwiches with smoked mozzarella added. It’s laughable that they call themselves a wine bar because none of the food is going to pair with any wine. If you’re a serious wine drinker, you’d also weep at how the food obliterates your palate.  But if you like cheesy (in the literal sense) junk food with pints of microbrew in a loud, boisterous setting where the soundtrack is any band that Pitchfork likes, then you won’t mind Must. They actually serve 40 oz. malt liquors like Colt .45 and Schlitz for a ridiculous price of $7, and there’s a mural in the women’s bathroom of a girl riding a giant hot dog (according to my friend). Their sense of humor will try your patience. At the same time, the birthday cake was a huge slab of ice cream and frosting dressed like funfetti, and it was appropriately tasty. I’m not going to lie, I enjoyed my meal here, but I also enjoyed eating Velveeta cheese and processed tater tots as a kid. It brought back idyllic childhood memories. And then at the end of the night, I realized that Jamie Oliver is fighting a losing battle with us.

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