Feb. 7, 2010

9 am

1 bowl of Honey Bunches of Oats cereal

12 pm

6 piece California Roll

1 bottle of water

1 pm

1 mandarin orange

3:30 pm

chips and dips (tortilla chips, Doritos, Pirates Booty, spinach dip, jalapeno and cream cheese dip)

1 bottle of Newcastle beer

1 bottle of Flat Tire beer

And the gluttony begins…

4 pm

1 scoop of Frito pie

6 baby back ribs

1 bottle of Newcastle beer

My friend Brian and his wife Jessica hosted a Super Bowl party. They set out a bowl of ribs the same way one sets out a bowl of potato chips, for snacking purposes. I don’t know why people don’t do this more often. I gnawed on six of those things before it was gone. As a side dish, I ate a scoop of Frito pie, which could be the single fattiest concoction ever devised by mankind. I’ll write more about this tomorrow.

5 pm

1 pulled pork sandwich

This was pork course #2 in our day-long feast. I love meals where two courses revolve around pork. There was also cole slaw but we forgot about it, which was too bad. I like cole slaw as a side, but like it even more as a condiment. You put a scoop of that in your sandwich and it’s heaven. And you don’t need a fork to eat cole slaw if it’s a condiment. You can hold a sandwich in one hand and use the other to shovel cheese dip onto a chip.

BTW, the commercials were horrible this year. Doritos, you are unfunny as fuck. Hyundai? Stop playing classical music in the middle of a football game (although Brett Favre in 2020 was decent). Budweiser? How much money did you spend on forcing middling comedy down on throat? It’s like NBC spending millions on Jay Leno. Speaking of which…

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Who knew that this, and not the Tim Tebow anti-abortion ad, would be the biggest WTF moment of the day (well, next to the onside kick, Pierre Garcon’s drop and Peyton’s horrible interception). I don’t know what to think. I was on Team Coco and like Dave, but seeing Jay in this was amusing, and it’s been a long time since I can claim that about Leno.

Anyway, commercials sucked this year. By the fourth quarter, we ended up watching the Puppy Bowl in lieu of commercials. Cuteness! Except for Fava the labrador, who I thought would kick ass on that field. Instead, he was lazy and full of disappointment. He’s like the Reggie Bush of Puppy Bowls.

7 pm

1/2 slice of pecan pie

I bought pecan pie to fit the Southern theme of this meal (New Orleans, Mannings, ribs, pulled pork). I didn’t realize that people don’t care for pecan pie. To that, I say bullshit. Pecan is highly underrated and a great pie if given the chance. Admittedly, I’ve only been to the South once and my preconception of that part of the country is from “Steel Magnolias” and “Mississippi Burning.” But I bet they’d love a slice of pecan pie if given the chance.

Speaking of New Orleans next two weeks there is going to be SKULL-FUCKING CRAZY. This video makes me want to drive down there RIGHT NOW. Hell, I’m not doing anything for the next two weeks, I can make it there in three days. I hate bandwagon jumping fans, but if that bandwagon involves two weeks of non-stop drinkng and public flashing of boobs for beads, I will hop on. May Bourbon Street be coated with drunken vomit and errant bodily fluids, and may everyone be ecstatic about that possibility.

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As for the Colts, it’s good to see the wincing Manning face return. It’s been a while, old friend!

Jan. 24, 2010

9:30 am

1 bowl of Honey Bunches of Oats with Almonds

12:30 pm

6 pieces of unagi roll

4 pieces of squid tempura

1 bottle of water

2 pm

1 Asian pear

1 mandarin orange

7 pm

lots of kalbi

bowl of rice

side of kimchee

1 bottle of water

This isn’t a football blog so I’m not going to write about either the Colts-Jets or Saints-Vikings game, which I spent all day watching. As much as I love football, and as archaic as I can get about the minutiae about the games, I know most of my readers don’t care. Instead, I’m going to talk about a related issue that arose right before the Saints-Vikings game: “Pants On the Ground.” Please, no more “Pants On the Ground” references. It’s only been 10 days and I can’t take any more. It was funny at first, but there are way too many variations, including Brett Favre’s. I’ll admit, I thought it was pretty funny that the ol’ gunslinger would lead his team in a “Pants On the Ground” victory chant. As John Madden would say after Favre underhands an interception to an ineligible receiver 8-yards past the line of scrimmage to kill a potential rally, “he’s having fun out there. What a guy!” But Favre and the Vikings then had to invite Gen. Larry Platt to the Saints-Vikings game to lead the entire team to a pre-game rendition of that song, although it is still more rousing than Prince’s fight song. The Vikings then had to go and stink up the Superdome with three lost fumbles and three interceptions, one inexcusably horrific, by Favre to lose to the Saints. This inevitably led to the following jokes on various message boards:

“Ball on the ground / ball on the ground / lookin’ like a fool with the ball on the ground”

Then there’s this variation:

“Favre’s on the ground/Favre’s on the ground/lookin’ like a fool/Favre’s on the ground”

In other words, we are now at an age where EVERY STUPID PUN is going to somehow tie in “Pants On the Ground.” If I accidentally drop my iphone, someone’s going to say, “phone’s on the ground.” If stocks plunges 100 points tomorrow, someone on Wall Street will exclaim, “Dow’s on the ground.” It’s a horrifying prospect. So please, I urge everyone to please refrain from any “Pants On the Ground” references. It was funny for a brief period, but that time should now pass. I once knew a guy who kept saying “I drink your milkshake” even after “There Will Be Blood” came out on DVD. Don’t be that guy. And don’t be like a certain 40-year-old Vikings quarterback who beats one issue to death, like whether to retire or not, until everyone’s sick of it and couldn’t care less. Please have more dignity than that.

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